I Think the Scanner is Talking to Me...

The first time I used the scanner here at Cabrini I nearly died laughing. When you hit the "start" button the machine says, "starting scan," and then, "please wait a while."

I was like, "A while?! What the heck does that mean?" I imagined myself sitting before the ol' girl on an ancient, creaky rocking chair, knitting some mittens and growing old while I waited for the scanner to boot up.

"Please wait a while." The story of my life.

During orientation, Colleen led us in a prayer that really spoke to me. In a way, it forced me to see my life through a lens other than the lens of time. In that way, it has been a great source of comfort to me in troubling times; times of great helplessness, frustration, or disappointment. It's a lot easier to find peace in your life when you aren't caught up in time; when you don't see your life as a string of successes or failures.  The prayer went like this:

     As children bring their broken toys 

     With tears for us to mend,

     I brought my broken dreams to God,

     Because he was my friend.

     But then, instead of leaving Him,

     In peace, to work alone; 

     I hung around and tried to help,

     With ways that were my own.

     At last, I snatched them back and cried,

     "How can you be so slow?!"

     "My child," He said, 

     "What could I do? 

     You never did let go."

                              

                            -Lauretta P. Burns

It's uncanny how many times and in how many different ways this prayer has resonated with me since orientation. Since then, I have experienced my first Kairos retreat. The word Kairos itself means "God's Time." I learned during my Kairos retreat that I need to, "Let Go, Let God." It is difficult to accept that "our time" is not "God's time." He always seems to work slower or to have a different plan than we have for ourselves. Ultimately, though, His work is infinitely more perfect and more beautiful than ours. Why shouldn't we try and live in His time?

But oh how difficult it is to Let Go.

Then there was what I call, "All that hand imagery." Imagine that you are clutching tightly, fiercely onto something. It could be anything, but imagine that it is something you love. Something you love so much that you are afraid of it being taken from you. It could be a possession, a person, an animal.... How do you feel? How does that which you love so obsessively feel? If I cling too passionately to my family members, for example, both they and I will suffer together. I will fear, forever, the prospect of their leaving me. I will become anxious when they threaten to love someone more than they love me. I will be so preoccupied by them that I will not be able to embrace the rest of the world around me. And how would they whom I love respond? They will be forced to deal with my unhealthy attachment. My fears, my anxieties- they will no longer be mine alone. 

Now imagine that you are able to hold onto what is most dear to you, but you hold on with open hands instead. ... How do you feel? How does that which you love feel? If I could hold on to my family without anxiety or fear, if I could be at peace with the fact that they may one day leave me, then how much more joy would I find in the world? I would still be able to love deeply those who are dearest to me, but I would also be able to let them go if that was the will of God. And I would be at peace. It takes much less energy to relax your hand than to ball up a fist.

When Mother Cabrini's spiritual director was at a loss of what to tell her, she would simply say, "Give it up to God." In other words, take your fears, your anxieties, your frustrations and disappointments and give them to the one person who knows exactly what to do with them. 

We are not the masters of anything- God is. I wish I could give my struggles to God more easily, as Mother Cabrini did. I wish it was easier to accept that it is God's Time that will win out, not mine. I wish I really understood that it is God's Plan that's important, not mine. 

It seems that only on those days at Cabrini when I am tired, frustrated, or upset that things aren't going my way that I need to use the scanner. HOW convenient that it takes 45 minutes to warm up. I think it's trying to remind me that I just need to "wait a while"- that God has a plan for me, but that I have to sit down, relax, and chill out while He is working on it. 

I continue to struggle, but I am trying to Let Go, and Let God. I am trying to give Him my brokenness to mend. I am trying to love with open hands. And I'm trying to trust in God's Time.

It's hard, but I know it's worth the effort. Pray for me! 

Love,

Gina