I Think the Scanner is Talking to Me...

The first time I used the scanner here at Cabrini I nearly died laughing. When you hit the "start" button the machine says, "starting scan," and then, "please wait a while."

I was like, "A while?! What the heck does that mean?" I imagined myself sitting before the ol' girl on an ancient, creaky rocking chair, knitting some mittens and growing old while I waited for the scanner to boot up.

"Please wait a while." The story of my life.

During orientation, Colleen led us in a prayer that really spoke to me. In a way, it forced me to see my life through a lens other than the lens of time. In that way, it has been a great source of comfort to me in troubling times; times of great helplessness, frustration, or disappointment. It's a lot easier to find peace in your life when you aren't caught up in time; when you don't see your life as a string of successes or failures.  The prayer went like this:

     As children bring their broken toys 

     With tears for us to mend,

     I brought my broken dreams to God,

     Because he was my friend.

     But then, instead of leaving Him,

     In peace, to work alone; 

     I hung around and tried to help,

     With ways that were my own.

     At last, I snatched them back and cried,

     "How can you be so slow?!"

     "My child," He said, 

     "What could I do? 

     You never did let go."

                              

                            -Lauretta P. Burns

It's uncanny how many times and in how many different ways this prayer has resonated with me since orientation. Since then, I have experienced my first Kairos retreat. The word Kairos itself means "God's Time." I learned during my Kairos retreat that I need to, "Let Go, Let God." It is difficult to accept that "our time" is not "God's time." He always seems to work slower or to have a different plan than we have for ourselves. Ultimately, though, His work is infinitely more perfect and more beautiful than ours. Why shouldn't we try and live in His time?

But oh how difficult it is to Let Go.

Then there was what I call, "All that hand imagery." Imagine that you are clutching tightly, fiercely onto something. It could be anything, but imagine that it is something you love. Something you love so much that you are afraid of it being taken from you. It could be a possession, a person, an animal.... How do you feel? How does that which you love so obsessively feel? If I cling too passionately to my family members, for example, both they and I will suffer together. I will fear, forever, the prospect of their leaving me. I will become anxious when they threaten to love someone more than they love me. I will be so preoccupied by them that I will not be able to embrace the rest of the world around me. And how would they whom I love respond? They will be forced to deal with my unhealthy attachment. My fears, my anxieties- they will no longer be mine alone. 

Now imagine that you are able to hold onto what is most dear to you, but you hold on with open hands instead. ... How do you feel? How does that which you love feel? If I could hold on to my family without anxiety or fear, if I could be at peace with the fact that they may one day leave me, then how much more joy would I find in the world? I would still be able to love deeply those who are dearest to me, but I would also be able to let them go if that was the will of God. And I would be at peace. It takes much less energy to relax your hand than to ball up a fist.

When Mother Cabrini's spiritual director was at a loss of what to tell her, she would simply say, "Give it up to God." In other words, take your fears, your anxieties, your frustrations and disappointments and give them to the one person who knows exactly what to do with them. 

We are not the masters of anything- God is. I wish I could give my struggles to God more easily, as Mother Cabrini did. I wish it was easier to accept that it is God's Time that will win out, not mine. I wish I really understood that it is God's Plan that's important, not mine. 

It seems that only on those days at Cabrini when I am tired, frustrated, or upset that things aren't going my way that I need to use the scanner. HOW convenient that it takes 45 minutes to warm up. I think it's trying to remind me that I just need to "wait a while"- that God has a plan for me, but that I have to sit down, relax, and chill out while He is working on it. 

I continue to struggle, but I am trying to Let Go, and Let God. I am trying to give Him my brokenness to mend. I am trying to love with open hands. And I'm trying to trust in God's Time.

It's hard, but I know it's worth the effort. Pray for me! 

Love,

Gina

Various Reasons for Crying at Work

The first time I cried at work, I was 17 years old. It was a summer job, and nothin' to spit on. With forty hours a week, my own desk, and a 9 dollar salary, I was the richest kid on the block and I never once came home smelling like pizza or deli meat. I thought I was lucky.

By the end of the summer I was applying for a minimum wage job at Wendy's.

On the day in question- that is, the day that I cried- I was asked to do something very illegal. Simple directions were given to me and I barely gave them a thought as I instantly set to work ticking off little square boxes on some paperwork. I guess I just didn't anticipate that an adult would ask me to do something so morally wrong.

The magnitude of what I was doing didn't hit me for a while. I think I had made it through 30 documents before it hit me. "Is this right?" I wondered. It took no time at all for me to conclude that it wasn't. I was committing forgery by altering paperwork that was signed by someone else. 

If I had worked for a dentist or a school district, a lawyer's office or a bank I think I might have been less upset. But I didn't. I worked in an office for a company who provided medical care for seniors. Or should I say, provides- the business still operates today, much to my chagrin.

Ah, but I haven't told you the worst part! Not only was I asked to tick off little boxes to indicate that our clients were being given the care they were promised and deserved when they were not, but I had to tell FIVE staff members about my reservations before one of them came to my rescue. First, naturally, I addressed the woman who gave me the assignment. "Oh, just do it," she said, "No one will care." Mind you, this woman was a nurse.

The second woman I addressed was also a nurse. She said that the aides who cared for the seniors simply forgot to check off those boxes- If I filled out the forms for them, it wouldn't be lying.I guess there were no lawyers in that office. Or saints.

And so on and so on, until I began to cry. At 17 years old, I still had that desire young kids have to please their superiors; I was given the job, and I wanted to do it, but crying and adamantly refusing to continue was better than participating in what was clearly illegal, dishonest, lazy, and insensitive to the fact that the lives of already very fragile people were involved.

As my tear ducts began to erupt the manager noticed me and stepped in to save me.
 ....................

Today, I cried at work.

It was a very different sort of cry this time. I didn't cry because the "grownups" let me down. I didn't cry because I realized the failings of our institutions and systems. I didn't cry because there was no one to speak for those without a voice. I didn't cry because human lives weren't being treated with dignity, care, or respect. And I didn't cry because I realized how easy it is to become the victim of a clerical "error"...

That day, I experienced how backwards human actions can be- how damaging. And the idea that these things all happen on a grander scale- that they hurt not just us but maybe hundreds, thousands, or millions. That's what really makes me cry- the reality that the world is made up of people, that people are flawed, and that we let one another fall left and right.

But there's also hope.

Today I cried because I watched and listened as a chapel full of 17 years olds asked, "Is this right?"  Together, they cried out "NO!" with passion and certainty. I felt alone in that office that day 5 years ago, but I know that I'm not the only one who has experienced a harsh reality like that. I'm not so naive, either, as to believe that I have never been on the other side of that fence as well, but I realized today just how many truly good people are out there. People who will do what they know is right. People who will say something.

Of course, I know that all those kids aren't perfect- one of them might be cheating on a math test right now as we speak. However, what was important to me was that they sought one another. They were committed to finding like-minded individuals who acknowledge the world's problems, humanity's problems, and do their best not to let one another fall.

The bad people in the world are the ones you hear about. They get all the press, all the attention, and (rightly so) all the just anger. It's easy to forget good deeds, and sadly, it's sometimes easy to forget good people.

I regret that I need to constantly reminded myself that there is a great deal of good in the world, but I'm also blessed to be in a place where that is so easy for me to do. At this retreat center there are so many young people with so much energy. So much enthusiasm and joy. I look and them, sometimes, and truly think they're going to take over the world and build a kingdom of love, hugs, and chocolate milk.

The first time I cried at work, I cried because I realized how harsh the world is. This time 'round, I cried because I realized that it's not. Not always.

The 17 year olds weren't literally standing around in a circle, holding hands, singing Kumbayah and screaming, "No!" in the face of injustice, but they didn't have to. Everything about their words and deeds spoke to Christ's love for humanity, and in that spirit I knew that these kids were going to be the ones to step up or step in to protect human holiness. And if they fall, I pray that they'll be there to catch one another and start afresh.

I find so much joy and hope and peace, even, at this retreat center. The place is actually quite boring but for all the beautiful people who come through here with lessons teach me. Not all of them are Christians, but the word of God is written on all their hearts. It's so easy to find Him here. I can't believe anyone wouldn't want to live among these people- to be a member of His Church.

Have a joyful and blessed Advent season.

Waiting In Joyful Hope,
Gina