I Think the Scanner is Talking to Me...

The first time I used the scanner here at Cabrini I nearly died laughing. When you hit the "start" button the machine says, "starting scan," and then, "please wait a while."

I was like, "A while?! What the heck does that mean?" I imagined myself sitting before the ol' girl on an ancient, creaky rocking chair, knitting some mittens and growing old while I waited for the scanner to boot up.

"Please wait a while." The story of my life.

During orientation, Colleen led us in a prayer that really spoke to me. In a way, it forced me to see my life through a lens other than the lens of time. In that way, it has been a great source of comfort to me in troubling times; times of great helplessness, frustration, or disappointment. It's a lot easier to find peace in your life when you aren't caught up in time; when you don't see your life as a string of successes or failures.  The prayer went like this:

     As children bring their broken toys 

     With tears for us to mend,

     I brought my broken dreams to God,

     Because he was my friend.

     But then, instead of leaving Him,

     In peace, to work alone; 

     I hung around and tried to help,

     With ways that were my own.

     At last, I snatched them back and cried,

     "How can you be so slow?!"

     "My child," He said, 

     "What could I do? 

     You never did let go."

                              

                            -Lauretta P. Burns

It's uncanny how many times and in how many different ways this prayer has resonated with me since orientation. Since then, I have experienced my first Kairos retreat. The word Kairos itself means "God's Time." I learned during my Kairos retreat that I need to, "Let Go, Let God." It is difficult to accept that "our time" is not "God's time." He always seems to work slower or to have a different plan than we have for ourselves. Ultimately, though, His work is infinitely more perfect and more beautiful than ours. Why shouldn't we try and live in His time?

But oh how difficult it is to Let Go.

Then there was what I call, "All that hand imagery." Imagine that you are clutching tightly, fiercely onto something. It could be anything, but imagine that it is something you love. Something you love so much that you are afraid of it being taken from you. It could be a possession, a person, an animal.... How do you feel? How does that which you love so obsessively feel? If I cling too passionately to my family members, for example, both they and I will suffer together. I will fear, forever, the prospect of their leaving me. I will become anxious when they threaten to love someone more than they love me. I will be so preoccupied by them that I will not be able to embrace the rest of the world around me. And how would they whom I love respond? They will be forced to deal with my unhealthy attachment. My fears, my anxieties- they will no longer be mine alone. 

Now imagine that you are able to hold onto what is most dear to you, but you hold on with open hands instead. ... How do you feel? How does that which you love feel? If I could hold on to my family without anxiety or fear, if I could be at peace with the fact that they may one day leave me, then how much more joy would I find in the world? I would still be able to love deeply those who are dearest to me, but I would also be able to let them go if that was the will of God. And I would be at peace. It takes much less energy to relax your hand than to ball up a fist.

When Mother Cabrini's spiritual director was at a loss of what to tell her, she would simply say, "Give it up to God." In other words, take your fears, your anxieties, your frustrations and disappointments and give them to the one person who knows exactly what to do with them. 

We are not the masters of anything- God is. I wish I could give my struggles to God more easily, as Mother Cabrini did. I wish it was easier to accept that it is God's Time that will win out, not mine. I wish I really understood that it is God's Plan that's important, not mine. 

It seems that only on those days at Cabrini when I am tired, frustrated, or upset that things aren't going my way that I need to use the scanner. HOW convenient that it takes 45 minutes to warm up. I think it's trying to remind me that I just need to "wait a while"- that God has a plan for me, but that I have to sit down, relax, and chill out while He is working on it. 

I continue to struggle, but I am trying to Let Go, and Let God. I am trying to give Him my brokenness to mend. I am trying to love with open hands. And I'm trying to trust in God's Time.

It's hard, but I know it's worth the effort. Pray for me! 

Love,

Gina

Various Reasons for Crying at Work

The first time I cried at work, I was 17 years old. It was a summer job, and nothin' to spit on. With forty hours a week, my own desk, and a 9 dollar salary, I was the richest kid on the block and I never once came home smelling like pizza or deli meat. I thought I was lucky.

By the end of the summer I was applying for a minimum wage job at Wendy's.

On the day in question- that is, the day that I cried- I was asked to do something very illegal. Simple directions were given to me and I barely gave them a thought as I instantly set to work ticking off little square boxes on some paperwork. I guess I just didn't anticipate that an adult would ask me to do something so morally wrong.

The magnitude of what I was doing didn't hit me for a while. I think I had made it through 30 documents before it hit me. "Is this right?" I wondered. It took no time at all for me to conclude that it wasn't. I was committing forgery by altering paperwork that was signed by someone else. 

If I had worked for a dentist or a school district, a lawyer's office or a bank I think I might have been less upset. But I didn't. I worked in an office for a company who provided medical care for seniors. Or should I say, provides- the business still operates today, much to my chagrin.

Ah, but I haven't told you the worst part! Not only was I asked to tick off little boxes to indicate that our clients were being given the care they were promised and deserved when they were not, but I had to tell FIVE staff members about my reservations before one of them came to my rescue. First, naturally, I addressed the woman who gave me the assignment. "Oh, just do it," she said, "No one will care." Mind you, this woman was a nurse.

The second woman I addressed was also a nurse. She said that the aides who cared for the seniors simply forgot to check off those boxes- If I filled out the forms for them, it wouldn't be lying.I guess there were no lawyers in that office. Or saints.

And so on and so on, until I began to cry. At 17 years old, I still had that desire young kids have to please their superiors; I was given the job, and I wanted to do it, but crying and adamantly refusing to continue was better than participating in what was clearly illegal, dishonest, lazy, and insensitive to the fact that the lives of already very fragile people were involved.

As my tear ducts began to erupt the manager noticed me and stepped in to save me.
 ....................

Today, I cried at work.

It was a very different sort of cry this time. I didn't cry because the "grownups" let me down. I didn't cry because I realized the failings of our institutions and systems. I didn't cry because there was no one to speak for those without a voice. I didn't cry because human lives weren't being treated with dignity, care, or respect. And I didn't cry because I realized how easy it is to become the victim of a clerical "error"...

That day, I experienced how backwards human actions can be- how damaging. And the idea that these things all happen on a grander scale- that they hurt not just us but maybe hundreds, thousands, or millions. That's what really makes me cry- the reality that the world is made up of people, that people are flawed, and that we let one another fall left and right.

But there's also hope.

Today I cried because I watched and listened as a chapel full of 17 years olds asked, "Is this right?"  Together, they cried out "NO!" with passion and certainty. I felt alone in that office that day 5 years ago, but I know that I'm not the only one who has experienced a harsh reality like that. I'm not so naive, either, as to believe that I have never been on the other side of that fence as well, but I realized today just how many truly good people are out there. People who will do what they know is right. People who will say something.

Of course, I know that all those kids aren't perfect- one of them might be cheating on a math test right now as we speak. However, what was important to me was that they sought one another. They were committed to finding like-minded individuals who acknowledge the world's problems, humanity's problems, and do their best not to let one another fall.

The bad people in the world are the ones you hear about. They get all the press, all the attention, and (rightly so) all the just anger. It's easy to forget good deeds, and sadly, it's sometimes easy to forget good people.

I regret that I need to constantly reminded myself that there is a great deal of good in the world, but I'm also blessed to be in a place where that is so easy for me to do. At this retreat center there are so many young people with so much energy. So much enthusiasm and joy. I look and them, sometimes, and truly think they're going to take over the world and build a kingdom of love, hugs, and chocolate milk.

The first time I cried at work, I cried because I realized how harsh the world is. This time 'round, I cried because I realized that it's not. Not always.

The 17 year olds weren't literally standing around in a circle, holding hands, singing Kumbayah and screaming, "No!" in the face of injustice, but they didn't have to. Everything about their words and deeds spoke to Christ's love for humanity, and in that spirit I knew that these kids were going to be the ones to step up or step in to protect human holiness. And if they fall, I pray that they'll be there to catch one another and start afresh.

I find so much joy and hope and peace, even, at this retreat center. The place is actually quite boring but for all the beautiful people who come through here with lessons teach me. Not all of them are Christians, but the word of God is written on all their hearts. It's so easy to find Him here. I can't believe anyone wouldn't want to live among these people- to be a member of His Church.

Have a joyful and blessed Advent season.

Waiting In Joyful Hope,
Gina

Ode to Joy!

Hey Everyone!

I was telling someone this week that the people who get you through the roughest parts of your life are often the ones you develop the deepest love for. I had been thinking about the darker parts of my life and realized that, during those times, I never got what I wanted but I was always given what I needed. There was always someone to help me make it through the day-to-day stuff, even when I barely noticed their presence. It seems, though, that when the skies clear and circumstances improve, you suddenly find the eyes to see the people who were standing beside you all along.

It's easy to miss the little things- to believe, mistakenly, that we're not being noticed, loved, or comforted. We can only hope to never take those little things, those little gifts, and those special people for granted. It's not an easy thing to do.

I was thinking about the people I left behind in Maryland, and New York before that. I am incredibly blessed that I am free to go and to do whatever I want whenever I want; the biggest struggle in my life seems to be the TYRANNY OF FREEDOM ... and that isn't too bad! But I miss my family and friends when I slow down and give myself a moment to reflect on what is most important to me. It's always a lot harder than I think it'll be to leave them behind.

This is for all my friends who gush over cats.

I am blessed, not only with freedom, but also with the gift of being able to love very easily. While I struggle sometimes, loving others is something that comes very naturally to me. I love loving people- it's the only thing that makes any sense to me sometimes.

For that reason, traveling and moving about has always suited me pretty well. I made two new families while in Europe- one in Denmark, one in Ireland, and nothing gave me more joy than to make their friends and neighbors my own. With Cabrini Mission Corps, I now have over 300 new family members! The Cabrini Sisters are on 6 continents and in 16 different countries. The world is getting bigger, but I am still only one person. While I am having an unbelievable time running around and meeting new people and Sisters, I could never forget who I am or where I came from. Or who loved me first. 

Now I know that I went a little overboard here with the collages, but I wanted to make them so that when I'm being silly and forget how much God loves me, I will have a place to look and remind myself of just how many people have come into my life to lend me strength when I was feeling weak. Now, be advised that some seriously KEY people are missing from here- my professors, my doctors, some of my best friends from childhood, ... my mom (sorry, mom!)- there were phases of my life when I was camera happy, and phases of my life where I looked like I didn't quite fit into my nose and therefore had absolutely no desire whatsoever to be photographed. Today I am grateful to have had all of these beautiful people in my life. They all contributed a little part of themselves, and made me who I am today.

I carry them with me, always. I will love them, always.

 I want to thank you, Gracious Lord,
    for the good friends you give me;
    they are for me a priceless bounty.
Thanks to them, friendship is neither an abstraction,
    nor a distant, almost impossible, dream.
I owe to your providence, Lord,
    the possibility of counting on
    the constant help of friends.
Between me and them you have formed a solid bridge,
    which can withstand all threats of destruction.
The happiness with which you have blessed us
    enables us to enrich one another.
Lord, there was something astonishing,
    almost mysterious,
    in the way I met my friends;
    it was always outside the expected pattern.
But you alone know the reasons
    that drew us closer together.
This surprise and joy are refreshing,
    and I experience them anew
    at every step of my life.
I promise to do everything in my power
    to deserve this precious gift
    that you have reserved for me.
I ask you, Gracious Lord, to keep them safe in your hands,
    for they are yours above all.
Amen.

Who are you grateful for today?

Love Always,

Gina

Happy Feast Day, Mother Cabrini!

Today is Mother Cabrini's Feast Day!

I've been on mission for two and a half months now, and I STILL hardly believe it. Everything has happened so fast from the moment I graduated, and I can barely make any sense of the chain of events. But as Sister Grace likes to say, "God writes straight with crooked lines."

I don't know where I'm going or how I came to have such an intimate connection to Mother Cabrini and her Sisters, but I know that this precious time I have with the Cabrini community is going to be of inestimable value to me personally and spiritually. I have already learned so much about myself and God from the Sisters and from my ministry at the retreat center.

Thank you Mother Cabrini for guiding me along this journey and for lending me your sisters, the Missionary Sisters of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, on whom I draw such strength and comfort. I don't what the future has in store for me, but I know you'll be there to guide me with great gentleness and love.

Thank you, Mother Cabrini.

Blessings,
Gina

"To you, my sisters, may Jesus be with you and with gentle peace draw you to his heart and always keep you there with His divine strength." -Mother Cabrini

Things I'd Like Everyone to Know...

If I had the courage to tell you, and I thought there was a possibility of making myself rightly understood, I'd tell you that:


You are a gift from God to the world. And to me, in particular. You were made, knit together, before time was time. With Love. With Purpose.

You are broken, but God works through your brokenness to heal others. And through the brokenness of others to heal you.We find grace and wisdom and discover our own belovedness in our solidarity.

You are beautiful. Even in your brokenness you are whole. You are not your flaws. You are not what you do, or what you have, or what you know, or what other people say about you. You are a child of God, and as such are uniquely, wonderfully beautiful.

And you're never alone.

Much Love,
Gina

______________________________
"Therefore that I might not become too elated, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, "My Grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell within me." 2 Cor 12:7-9

It Is What It Is, It Is What You Make It.

A theme that keeps cropping up for me is, "It is what it is, it is what you make it." A girl I met on my orientation liked that line a lot, and considered it her mantra, I suppose.

We had a group of 60 older women here last week. They were an interesting bunch. The kissy, tree-hugger types. "Druids" some of them called themselves. They weren't Catholic- in fact, some of them hid their Bibles in their closets, not being able to suffer its presence. Each of them seemed to be a different kind of quirky, but the one thing they all had in common was that they wanted coffee at 4 in the morning. I was willing to compromise with the hour, and at 5 o'clock the other day, I began making pots of coffee. By 8:30 I had easily made 18 pots and restocked the creamer 6 times.They consumed about as fast as I produced.

It is what it is.

Some days I'm going to be here sweeping, doing dishes, directing parking lot traffic, re-filling ketchup bottles, and making enough coffee to fill a swimming pool. I sometimes feel like it's a waste of my talents and that it snuffs out the excitement and energy I have for projects that right now only exist in theory, but... it is what it is. It has to be done.

It's a lot harder to do all things for the greater glory of God than I imagined. The monotony of making coffee... I suppose someone with more discipline could turn it into a prayerful meditation, or an exercise in thanksgiving- "Lord, thank you for this healthy body, without which I may not be able to repeatedly pour cup after steaming cup of liquid caffeine and without which I would not be able to open and close, open and close, open and close the necessary cabinets that house the creamer and sugar packets." Right now, though, all I have workin' for me is obedience. I do it because I am told to do it. In that way, I suppose, I am loving God.

I sometimes struggle to find love and joy in my day-to-day activities, but the possibility of deepening my relationship with God keeps me going. In these somewhat boring, monotonous, and menial tasks,  I am being given a unique opportunity to grow in patience, humility, gentleness, and positivity. I yearn constantly for the ability to find God in all things. If, by the end of the year, I can feel love radiating from that coffee pot I so fervently avoid, I will consider my time here a great success.

I thank God for Colleen very often. She seems to possess a lot of those attitudes that I hope to adopt. She is a lot better at saying and doing only those things that bring her joy- that are life giving. When Colleen and I have a long day and I think we're both about to go blow off some steam by running our mouths, she proves me wrong. I end up pouring out my frustrations and incredulities as she listens. And then I feel bad for having made her struggles with serenity even harder. I can tell she shares similar worries, but she prefers to concentrate only on the good. The possibility of growth that each struggle affords us. The greater purpose of our challenges.

I am trying to be more like that. I already feel that I have had a small amount of success, but I cannot settle for where I am now. Sr. Grace once said to me, "God loves us just the way we are, but because He loves us, He will not allow us to stay the way we are." I think of those words often. May Colleen and I and all of you pray for the Grace to find God where our hearts, minds, and bodies struggle the most to find and take comfort in HIM.

Blessings,
Gina

Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

Another Video

Colleen and I spent a half an hour trying to throw two absurdly heavy deer statues into the dumpster. This is the abbreviated version.

Bye Bye Bambi

Love,
Gina