When Helping Hurts

Today I posted Lessons the Fed-Ex Guy Taught Me that I wrote two years ago (and hastily finished today)- it was the story of a small encounter that taught me that I am not the savior of the world. I shouldn't feel bad when I cannot save someone and, in truth, I probably shouldn't even try- It's a tall order for someone who needs a lot of saving herself.

When I re-read and posted that entry, I began thinking about a lot of things- the difference between healing and saving, and whether or not I, as a human being, really have any role in either of those. After all, it's God that does the saving, right? And then I began thinking about humility, and questioning whether or not I have any at all.... Its been a rough day.

I love helping people. I get a lot of energy from solving problems, practical or personal, of my own or of others. It's especially rewarding to me to be able to help or comfort others, though. I feel free and happy when I can express my love for mankind in whatever form, so I often have great potential to make people feel loved or cared for in their toughest hours. I also like helping solve people's problems because it brings me closer to them. It helps us connect or understand one another on a deeper level. And I rarely walk away from an emotional encounter with another human being without learning something profound.

However, I also feel a great need to be loved and appreciated myself, to get others to respond to me and to vindicate my own claims about myself- that I'm a good person, that I'm loving, and that I am worth something in this world.

 And now the mood of this entry will be turning a bit....                 

It has been an unfortunate pattern in my life that I've often hurt people I've cared about by trying to "help" them too much. I had a friend who once told me that I had the personality of a jack-hammer. I didn't really understand what she meant until a few key people in my life had the courage to tell me just how much damage I did them while I was trying to "help."

I was always of the mind that if you did something out of love, it couldn't possibly be a bad thing. That if you shared your truth or your experiences with love, that God would carry the message. But there are a lot of other emotions or motives that accompany love sometimes that make healing difficult or impossible- Fear. Anger. Desperation. Loneliness. I've begun to realize that if I'm not in a good space myself, I really shouldn't try to be anyone's savior. I'll end up doing more harm than good.

I recently alienated someone that I loved very much. Worse than alienated, really- hurt. I was trying to resolve a problem we had, but was met by resistance at every turn. As I began to grow more frustrated and confused, my own insecurity and weakness began to take control of my actions. On some level, I knew what was happening, and I allowed it.

As time passed, I grew more and more desperate to solve the problem. I pushed harder and harder- jack-hammer like. At first I denied that it was I who was hurting this person whom I loved so deeply. Then, when I could no longer deny it, I rationalized my actions. Finally, I began to accept that the love that I was trying so desperately to show this person, the "help" I felt obliged to offer, my desperation to "fix" the problem, was actually poisonous.

In my weakness, I forgot everything that I knew about true love.

True love is gentle, selfless, patient, and unassuming. True love doesn't demand or accuse, belittle or berate. If I had stopped for a moment to think about whether or not God would have approved of the way I was choosing to express my love, I imagine things would be different for me know. As it stands, though, I think God is probably pretty disappointed in me. My only consolation is that I know he has already forgiven me.

My prayer now, is that God open my eyes and allow me to learn the lesson here. Really learn it. I pray that I never return to committing the same error- especially as it concerns hurting people who are most dear to me.

I pray, God, that you will grant me humility- a grace I feel I'm always in great need of. Help me to see that I am not the answer to the world's problems. That it is God's perfect love that heals, not my own. Help me to love your creation better, with the patience and gentleness that I often lack. Help me to see when I am hurting others, and grant me the wisdom to recognize when I am beginning to lose myself. But more than anything, I pray for forgiveness- forgiveness for having forgotten, for a moment, everything that You have ever taught me about love.

You alone know me, Lord, and you alone can heal me. And so it is with all of your creation. Please heal us.

Love,
Gina  

 “Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? 

Lay first the foundation of humility.” 

- St. Augustine of Hippo

Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.